|
Do any of these emotions sound familiar:
depression, anger, isolation, disillusionment, turmoil, fear,
hopelessness? If so, you aren't alone. Most people who find
out they have a sexually transmitted disease share some or
all of these feelings.
Such non-medical aspects of diseases
— both curable and chronic — can be more
devastating than the physical symptoms. They may even
interfere with the healing process; stress often makes us
more susceptible to illnesses of all kinds, and can be blamed
for many recurrences of chronic STDs like HPV and
HSV.
Hundreds of studies have shown that the
most important help in coping with a disease is social
support. But when you tell someone that you have an STD, you
risk social rejection, or at least an altered reputation.
Recent surveys of people with HPV and HSV confirm that most
people have these fears. They aren't totally unfounded
either; about one-quarter of respondents said they were
rejected by a sex partner after telling them they had a
sexually transmitted disease.
Still, most respondents did tell current
and previous partners about their infections. They also
confided in friends and family. Many psychologists believe
that talking to people you trust is the most important thing
you can do in coming to grips with having an
STD.
Stages of
Coping
Having any kind of STD is difficult to
face. Most people have more problems dealing with the
incurable viral diseases than they do with the easily
treatable infections like chlamydia, syphilis, and
gonorrhea.
Some doctors have noticed that HPV and
HSV patients go through a four-stage psychological healing
process: denial, resistance, adjustment, and integration. Not
everyone will have these same experiences, or even in this
order and recurrences of the infection can start the whole
process over again. Whatever you feel, the underlying concept
is that your mind will let you handle only as much as you can
at a given time. Knowing about the stages can help you
understand where you are in the coping process.
Stage 1: Denial. This comes with the shock of being
told that you have an STD. “It simply can't be
true,” is your most likely thought. This is a normal
reaction to emotional overload. If you are in this stage, try
at least to avoid unprotected sex, because you don't want to
infect anyone else.
Stage 2: Resistance. Now you are going to fight this
disease. You are very goal-directed, and ready to try all
different types of remedies, no matter how offbeat they are.
Here is where a support group may be helpful for coming to
terms with an STD and for learning about treatment
options.
Stage 3: Adjustment. You're starting to realize you
are one of many people who have an STD, but, you are still
grieving for your lost, “clean,” innocent self.
This is normal and in fact is considered to be a a positive
attitude even though it doesn't feel like it. You will
probably begin to rearrange your priorities and change your
life in appropriate ways.
Stage 4: Integration. Now you're at peace with the
situation and ready to go on with your life. It is easy to
talk about the disease with others.
Hopefully, the outcome of this process
is that you will be able to think of your disease in a
positive way. This does not mean that having an STD is a good
thing but rather that you are able to take something positive
from it. Perhaps it has changed your perspective on life,
brought you closer to family and friends, or offered the
opportunity to look for more meaningful sexual
relationships.
Telling Your
Partner Isn't Easy
If you ask most people who have an STD,
especially an incurable one, which is harder, coping with
their infection or telling their partner, they might have
difficulty deciding. For past sexual contacts, the burden can
often be handled for you anonymously by public health workers
whose job it is to trace sex partners of people infected with
STDs. But when it comes to telling current or prospective
partners, you're on your own.
Some people decide not to tell their
current or potential partners about past or latent
infections. They may feel no harm will come to their partners
because the infection has been successfully treated or is
safely dormant. Since they don't want to lose the
relationship, they keep their infection a secret. However,
these people appear to be a minority. In the surveys
conducted among people with HPV and HSV, 69 percent reported
that they told their current partner about their infection,
and 49 percent said they always told potential partners,
while only 6 percent said they never told potential
partners.
The decision is a personal one and
depends on several factors, including whether you value trust
and honesty in a relationship, and whether you can live with
any guilt that would arise. But basically it comes down to
one simple question: would you want to know about something
that could affect your health, or would you rather have
someone decide that for you?
If you decide to discuss this deeply
personal matter with a prospective partner, here are a few
things to keep in mind:
It's best if you have already come to grips with the
situation yourself. If you are unsure and depressed because
you have an STD, you won't sound confident. It is unlikely
that your partner will feel comfortable with the situation if
you aren't, so make sure you have all the facts. Be ready to
answer questions with correct information. Prepare your
partner as much as possible, instead of dumping the news on
him all at once. You might even want to rehearse some lines
ahead of time. Whatever your state of mind, however, don't
forget the importance of early treatment should your partner
require it.
Pick a good time and place. There may not be a really
good time to tell someone about an STD, but there are
definitely bad times. Don't pick a time when you are likely
to be interrupted. Don't wait until you're in bed together.
And especially don't wait until after you've had sex, which
will only get the issues tangled up in emotions and
distrust.
Give him time to think about it. You may think that
this should be easy to handle for someone who is not
infected, but he has to weigh the risks of going through
exactly what you did. Deciding to take a risk is not easy for
a lot of people.
If the reaction is negative, you are not to blame.
Most people respond well to the news. In fact, with the
alarming rates of STDs in the United States, there's a
reasonable chance that he's already heard a similar
disclosure. Remember too, that if he can't cope with the
situation, he is not rejecting you as a person; he is
rejecting the risk involved. This is a difficult concept for
many people, and it still hurts if someone rejects the risk
you pose. But remember, you are far from alone.
For More
Information...
Contact the American Social Health
Association (ASHA), an organization dedicated to researching
and providing information about STDs. They can send you
pamphlets on various STDs. They also operate a Herpes
Resource Center with ties to over 100 local self help groups
for people living with herpes, and they maintain a herpes
hotline. ASHA also publishes two newsletters called The
Helper and HPV News.
Your local or state health department's
STD clinic can provide you with care, counseling and
information. Here are some other resources that may be
helpful to you:
The National Herpes Hotline: 919-361-8488 (Monday
through Friday, 9 am to 7 pm Eastern time)
The Herpes Resource Center: HRC, ASHA, PO Box 13827,
Research Triangle Park, NC 27709. Phone:
919-361-8488.
National STD Hotline: 1-800-227-8922 (Monday through
Friday, 8 am to 11 pm Eastern time)
return to
top
|
Email this page
Printer friendly
Bookmark this page
